The struggle with my finances hits rock bottom again. I thought the monsters were gone only to find out they were still behind the curtains of my soul doing their job of destroying every bit of me. And it was damn exhausting. Dying seems the easiest way out but it is not an option I can pick for myself. The choice belongs to the owner of life, not mine.
Tears flood like a river that never goes dry when it was supposed to be wealth. The whole day yesterday was a reminder of Jesus drawing near and walking along with me, the verses I choose during our family Bible sharing for the week. Not an easy journey.
With what was happening inside, I was hesitant going with my husband to attend the training. But it was a good attitude I develop to be present where I am and to make the most out of it no matter how uncomfortable I feel. So I listen and forget about the disgust.
The guest speaks about sin, hatred, and remorse as a hindrance to having an answered prayer. And I was full of it. I hate myself and I am filled with remorse for the mistake I’ve done. I hate quite a number of significant and some not very significant people in my life from the time I was growing up until now, for hurting me. And I never noticed it, but my internal senses remember it too well.
Right after the training, we attended the mass and the priest on his homily say we remember the things attached to our strongest emotions both the joy and the pain. I try to recall the good memories of how I was loved, cared for and how I was battle tested, how courageous I am. But my reservoir seems to overflow with the more painful ones, no wonder this is my familiar ground. And this is where I keep coming back.
Then I go back to what I have heard from the training again where all seems related to what was happening to me. There was a video presentation with the message that we need not do it alone. I don’t know if it has something to do with being a scorpion or if it was the experiences I was molded that made me extremely difficult to trust people. Scorpions are very secretive and will not let people easily know what’s going on in their mind. Something that freaks out my husband I guess.
The homily was like Jesus talking to me; “Remember what I have told you? How patient I am with you, like this two disciples who easily forget the amazing things I have done for the last three years I am with them. When I was crucified, the pain made them forget everything I have told them. They never recognized me right away because they have forgotten the good times.”
Wo! What a way to finish the day. I woke up with a strong desire to remember what I do best, write where it hurts. And to be reminded that if I cannot trust anybody to share my struggle with because of my prejudice, I have a loving God journeying with me. I am not really alone after all.