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Identity Crisis

I was 28 when I realized I was having an identity crisis, with four kids around. I thought it was too late. Although during teenage life I had periods of wondering who I am uncertain if I answered that question. I realized the crisis of knowing who we are is not confined only to a particular stage but on various points throughout life.

When I was young, I used to believe I don’t measure up. My sister next to me was always far more beautiful than I am. I inherently believe that I could not measure up to her likability. Probably I was already sending the message that nobody will like me that time. It was the belief I created for myself after being sexually molested. It was also the message I received from people around us when we were always being compared.

I grow up believing I am not worthy, I am not deserving of anybody’s love and I am dirty. This kind of self-indoctrination is common among sexually abused children which I just found out later in life. My identity was shaped around by those painful experiences and interactions with the people around me.

And because they were lies, the crisis arises.  I pretended to be clean during high school, a mask that was more than a blessing because it saved me from promiscuity. I never had boyfriends in high school for the fear of being found out dirty. I am so afraid because I know guys will never like me once they found the real me. I went to college feeling the same until I met my husband.

His unconditional love challenge the way I believe about myself. For the first time, I felt accepted for who I really am; the flaws, the undeservingness, unworthiness, and the pretensions. I don’t know how he made it. But the challenges never end there. There are deep rooted definitions of myself that I validated in one way or the other.

The belief that I am a shame was affirmed on the constant choices and dealings with my finances. I almost destroy the family I keep because of the financial chaos I got myself into. I lost some good friendship and hurt the people I care the most because of this. I lost my credibility to many people and institution and find it too difficult to start after several financial setbacks.  Everything was a result of how I define myself from deep within.

The stubborn belief that I will never have the crisis if I don’t need it leads me to a deeper understanding of myself and the people around me. It made me realized that the definition I have was not true after all. The reality is that I am created good for a purpose and I am loved by my Maker, the same thing with the people around me. We are all inherently good and loved.

Everything that happened in my life in the past is not a waste after all because they will be used in my life’s greatest purpose to which my strongest identity will emerge. Therefore, to all those who are in crisis, I am throwing a big shout to choose a better definition of who you are, it can be done.

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60 Comments
  1. Bhavya Pal 3 months ago

    We need to learn from the past but not let it affect us if we want to grow in the future. Great post👍
    https://herunicornisland.wordpress.com

  2. Doseoffashion 4 months ago

    Wow great post..Thanks for sharing such a personal and touching story but most thanks enlightenment.Thanks and all the best

  3. divya 5 months ago

    A strong post! And indeed a strong person you are !!

  4. rootedgypsysite 5 months ago

    “…I will never have a crisis if I don’t need it…” enlightening 💖

  5. Smiley Kiley 6 months ago

    I was not a victim of sexual abuse.. but I had other life struggles that lead me to question my identity. It is so good to see that someone else has experienced it, and made it out the other side better than before. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  8. steppingoutforward 7 months ago

    Identity Crisis, a feeling when we find out that we are not worthy of anything.. generally arising when we are not satisfied of what we are contributing to life, or more of when we start comparing ourselves to others. It happens most of the time to me as well. The trick is to keep reminding ourselves again and again that everyone is unique and worthy, doing what they are chosen for.. and your article reminds me of that again.. Thanks for sharing!

    • Author
      Aui V. 7 months ago

      We are always a reminder to each other. Thanks for dropping by 🙂

  9. Transit Address 7 months ago

    I think there is a special person in everyone’s life who let us realize the importance of ourselves in their life by constantly encouraging us,by knowing ourselves very well and then by showing our beautiful sides which we thought were eclipsed for a while.
    Great post.

  10. Aishwarya 8 months ago

    That’s an incredibly strong post and brings out an important aspect of identity crisis – that it has nothing to do with us but in the way we are being viewed by the world!

    • Author
      Aui V. 8 months ago

      Yah, that is why it is so important to know how we view ourself.Thanks for dropping by 🙂
      Aui

  11. Ich.bin.Dacian 8 months ago

    Beautiful story! Relatable in all aspects I believe. We all find ourselves at one point (at least one) not knowing where we are going. Terrifying. But when I read stuff like those above somehow it helps see that I’m not alone haha. Even if we need to go through these stages alone – we all have to do it. Thank you for sharing.

    • Author
      Aui V. 8 months ago

      Yes, we are not alone and will never be. Thanks for dropping by 🙂
      Aui

  12. Prakriti Sharma 8 months ago

    Pure inspiration! I can totally relate with you. You are truly an achiever and go-getter. Keep up the good spirit and keep inspiring.
    Cheers to life! 🙂

    • Author
      Aui V. 8 months ago

      Cheers! Have a great day ahead and thank you for dropping by 🙂

  13. dudimadge 8 months ago

    I have never been in a relationship in high school for the same reason but now its because i am happy on my own and now out of fear. Guess I was not alone. Your pieces are inspiring.

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